I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
