There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
