your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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