You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
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Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
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After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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