Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
