last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
