He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
