well I can't set my house on fire every night
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
