You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
