I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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