I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
