dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
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