someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
