i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
