I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
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Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
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the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
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