Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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