it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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