Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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