Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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