Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
