I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
