so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
