I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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