ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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