Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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