I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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