Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
