Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
