if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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