Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
