I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
