Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
