he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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