Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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