17 year olds will be the death of me.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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