Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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