i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
