You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
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Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
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Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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