I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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