I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
