Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
