I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
