does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
