worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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