Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
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I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
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Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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