you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
