so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
