My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
