If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
