do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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