Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
