Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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