found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
